nothing.\n\nnothing changed but everything changed all at once.\n\nit's like someone lit up a room.\n\nand don't worry, i'm not deluded, the darkness will come again.\n\nbut the light will also come again.\n\nit always does.\n\nso i'm sad right now, but i take a vitamin D pill along with my anti-depressants, hoping it'll be the sunshine that pulls me out. i pick a random playlist online to get ready for lunch with and hope one of the songs will yank me out of the fog. i sit with my friends at lunch and hope something funny happens.\n\nbecause while i never like feeling like this,\n\nthe moment i get pulled out of the dark is the absolute brightest.
everything is kinda hard\n
sometimes my projects come out half assed, because i can't force myself to work on them.\n\nsometimes my room is dirty for weeks with clothes scattered on the floor because i can't bring myself to pick them up.\n\nsometimes i sleep two hours later than my alarms are set for because i can't open my eyes enough to face the world.\n\nsometimes i go to class, not because i want to, but because my legs drag me there because if i miss four classes i'll fail.\n\ni don't want to draw\n\ni don't want to play video games\n\ni don't know what i want to do\n\ni sit here on this horrid computer scrolling down a page, hoping that pixels on a screen make me feel real.\n\n[[it's ridiculous.]]
alright, alright. i'm up.\n\nmy chest feels funny. fast, i think. i'm not surprised, given how many energy drinks i had over the weekend. but still, it feels gross and it makes me feel like ten times shittier than i already do.\n\ni pull a sweater off the floor and over my head, take off my retainer and go to the bathroom. turn on the shower, the nozzle directly in the middle so it's not too hot, not too cold.\n\ni'm just. i haven't been feeling well lately. there's just been this grog around me and i can't break through it. [[i'm coasting with a mild decline and it sucks.]]\n\n
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i've been here, i know. if i'm being honest with myself though, i haven't been taking my meds like i'm supposed to. every day, same time. it's also getting colder and cloudier. i get more depressed in the winter.\n\ni'm in the shower and the water is running over me and. this feels nice. this feels clean. i wash my face and my eyes perk up a little. i feel a bit more awake. less groggy.\n\ni dry off and blow dry my hair. i feel gross when i'm sitting around wet after a shower.\n\nhaving clean hair and an "energized" face makes me feel a little better. productive. productivity is good.\n\n[[but sometimes i can't help it.]]
good morning, i guess. i'm pug. it's dark and my blanket is warm but my five different alarms are blaring and have been, alternating, for like 2 hours now. \n\nit's a little ridiculous. \n\nbut i'm so tired. \n\nbut if i don't get up now i won't have time for a shower before lunch.\n\n[[press snooze]]\n\n[[get your ass out of bed]]\n\n
this feeling really isn't new to me. depression. it's clinical. i'm stuck with it.\n\nbut i'm medicated. i'd been feeling alright. i was trying to avoid this, especially with school starting. depression makes me procrastinate super hard.\n\nmaybe i'm just tired. i keep trying to tell myself that. i mean, i've had a lot of projects due last week, i had an intense weekend, maybe i'm just tired.\n\n[[i know better than that, honestly.]]
i scroll and i scroll\n\nreblog reblog \n\nbut it never gets any better\n\nexcept maybe one day the sun will shine a little brighter, and i smile. or a friend says something super nice and i blush. or a song has a funky beat and i dance.\n\ni laugh and i grin and i dance throughout the apartment and the spell is broken and i can feel myself breathe again.\n\ni feel the light fill my body and i dance, jump around the room, and i almost can't believe it. i was so sad what changed?\n\nwhat changed?\n\nwhat changed?\n\n[[what changed?]]
pug\n
i press snooze, clutch my teddy bear, WonkyBear, and roll over. i get like 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off again. was that actually worth it?\n\nmaybe.\n\n[[get your ass out of bed]]\n